Phoenix Rising
I tend to think about these times as a radical collapse after which the phoenix will rise. It’s the mystic in me or maybe the optimist or maybe there is just no other choice. There have to be tectonic shifts in perception around systems that can’t be maintained if there is going to be justice, balance, respect, survival and growth. This is true for all organisms. Patriarchy has defined what the overculture deems normative and its tentacles have invaded deep into the collective psyche and bodies of all kinds. The indoctrination of especially young men into sex and physical intimacy through porn, the need for women to fawn in order to maintain a mate or a strap on in the shape of a penis all bely this reality. To be clear, I love me some porn. I have fawned and I have owned a strap on in the shape of a penis but I am encouraging you and I to think outside the norms!
What if we stripped away any idea about what contact with another body looked and felt like?
What if we tracked our needs and wants and communicated before, during and after intimacy?
What if we knew how to say no in the moment and knew how to redirect intimacy towards something that aligned with what our body wanted and desired?
This process requires a deep dive into what we say yes to and what we say no to and why. It requires looking at our bodies and desires anew. This looks different daily, monthly and over a lifetime. Sexual self practice is the way to truly understand and somatically discover and track what we say yes to and no to and that is the only guide we need.
This week an awesome article in the NYT magazine, The Joys (and Challenges) of Sex After 70, highlighted Joan Price. She is the author of many books and is a sex advocate for bodies of any age. Her approach is something I resource often in my own thinking about healthy aging. Her website is joanprice.com. I encourage you to go check her out!
Here is an excerpt from her 2019 blog post “Aging Sexy”, where she discusses some tips for staying sexy as we age:
1. Explore: As we age, our sexual needs and preferences may change. Where we like being touched, how we like being touched, even who we want to touch us may change. Let the changes be an opportunity to explore.
2. Educate yourself: Learn the normal signs of aging and the signs that there may be a medical issue. Learn how aging affects sexual function, response, and orgasm. Learn about sex toys!
3. Communicate: Learn to talk about sex. Express what you’d enjoy, what you’d like to try, what doesn’t work for you anymore. Ask your partner questions: what would you like me to do, how can I give you pleasure, what’s off limits?
4. Keep a positive attitude: Just because our sexual responses don’t work the way they did when we were young doesn’t mean they don’t work – it just means they work differently.
5. Understand responsive desire: Desire may not be spontaneous anymore, if it ever was. Now we may require physiological arousal before the desire kicks in. That’s not a defect. It’s just a different way desire works.
6. Enjoy goal-free pleasure: We are capable of wonderful sensations. Let yourself enjoy them without worrying about erections or orgasm.
Curious about redefining your sexuality as you age? My Sex Ed workshop might be just the tool you need. The next one is coming up on February 6.