Coming of Age into our Sexual Selves

Take a moment to think about your pre-adolescence, or about the time in your young life when you first started learning about sex. Chances are that if you identify as a woman, you first started developing your sexual self in relation to a partner. And if you identify as a man, you first started doing so by witnessing porn. This overgeneralization doesn’t hold true for everyone, but it’s fairly common. In my experience, through the years of research and conversations I've had with the men and women in my life, I have come to learn that the ways in which young men and young women learn about sex are (generally) vastly different.

Many young men first start coming into their sexual selves via pornography. Why is this a problem? Misogyny and violence are not only common, but largely the norm in hetero porn culture, with the male body as the subject and the female body as the object. In a culture that champions misogyny, women who challenge the status quo are controlled, punished, and silenced, while those who uphold and reinforce the status quo are rewarded. This pervades our sexual experiences, especially if the environment in which you're developing your sexual self is steeped in misogyny and violence.

This is not an indictment of popular porn, but rather an indictment of the lack of intentionality around how we steward our young people as they come of age into their sexual selves. In the vacuum of resources, it is no surprise that porn is resourced. It's easily accessible and fun – on the surface. But the misogyny, violence, and objectification of the female body are often impossible to separate from the experience. And it sets an unfortunate precedent as young men enter the sexual space.

What if young men coming of age could start with a real template of education and resource their own bodies and imagination?

What would it look like if consent, connection, curiosity, and mutual pleasure were the baseline from which we learned to connect to one another?

What if vulnerability replaced domination?

I would argue that this world would look vastly different than it currently does.

The other side of this conversation must consider how young women come into their sexual selves. In my experience, many young women only start learning and exploring that part of themselves in partnership, long before they've had the chance to explore their sexuality in relation to themselves. I believe that this stems largely from the fact that while male masturbation is culturally accepted as normal and needed, female masturbation is considered taboo and often even dirty and immoral.

Why is this a problem? When we as women don't set our own standards around what we find pleasurable and let others set those standards for us, we compromise our bodily autonomy. If we are not taught as young women that we are allowed to decide for ourselves what we find pleasurable, that we are allowed to say yes to what feels right and no to what doesn't, then we become unwitting players in the patriarchy. We have a responsibility to teach our young women that they must be vocal advocates for themselves and for their pleasure from the start.

This topic is multifaceted, complex, and much too nuanced to cover in a simple blog post. But my intention here is to start a conversation about how we steward our young people into their sexual selves, how our personal introductions to sex can ultimately shape us as adults, and about what we can do to change the status quo. One of the ways that I am trying to challenge the status quo is by empowering women to own their sexuality through my Sex Ed course.

I started thinking about developing this course when 'Me Too' was in its inception – when the terms of sexual violence were starting to be challenged and redefined, incorporating body informed trauma and polyvagal theory, which holds that anything "too much, too soon, too fast" can be experienced as traumatic. This trauma can cause elements of the past to get stuck in the biology of our bodies and in our subconscious experience because we either couldn't process the trauma in the moment, or we didn't feel like we had agency to do so. What we experience as trauma is completely unique to who we are in this body. We must take a deep dive into ourselves to define the limits of what we say yes to and what we say no to. It requires true attention, curiosity and intimacy with ourselves. It also requires the capacity to advocate for ourselves and speak when something doesn't feel right – what Kimberly Ann Johnson coined a "healthy fight response."

This self-advocacy challenges patriarchy and misogyny and it starts in our cells and in our bodies. The ability to intentionally redirect a situation from what doesn't feel right towards what does is often difficult and feels unnatural in an overculture that holds the female body as object and not subject – in an overculture that is, in some part, predicated on the control and domination of the female body. But this fight is absolutely essential in these times when the protections afforded to us under Roe v Wade are being systematically challenged and dismantled. The force of feminine pleasure and physical autonomy should never be underestimated and, when harnessed, could alter the course of history.

I challenge you to take the time to love yourself and advocate for yourself in all ways, always. It is a truly radical act.  

xo,

Kelly

Ps. If you would like further context on the abortion issue and background on the legal challenges to Roe v Wade, head to my Instagram @kellykanelove where I dive into the nitty gritty in a set of digestible and easy to understand posts. As always, if you have any questions please reach out to me at info@kellykane.org.